Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Confusion..

This world has suddenly become my strikingly white canvas.. tempting me to tarnish it with an unsteady hand..

A shame that I have the artistic sense of a bland and rather prudish wall..


My father came home tonight in a rather jolly mood, another surprise is that it happened to coincide with a semi-jolly one of my own.. creating what could be termed a "pleasant" atmosphere if one may be so bold as to peg. He invited me out to dinner, and having little else to do with my time after deciding to spend Christmas here, I agreed.

As we sat down to good food and great drinks, conversation flowed.. a great feat in our case. Perhaps I can never discuss feelings, nor any other form of human emotion for that matter, with him.. but I realize now I can always rely on him for sound advice on the career aspects of my life. He asks the right questions.. when my mind has blocked upcoming hurdles in my path, he manages to remind me what's in the horizon so I wont trip.. and my vanity and pride have finally eased up enough for me to listen.

One aspect, of many, that we can't agree on is family. The concept eludes him, as has been evident throughout the years. He wants me to attend medical school and work here all my life, just the thought brings tears to my eyes.. this place is empty to me, it makes me feel hollow.. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life here.

Yet he asks, "Where will you go??"

Where will I go?

Back home, my place in the family portrait is empty. Yet with every passing year, it starts to dwindle.. only to close in eventually.

I wonder if it's worth it.

As our impromptu evening came to an end, much as it started, pleasantly.. I felt a sudden level of gratitude for this man. His help may not have been prototypic.. but it was there, and like mother often says .. thank God for the little things.

I wondered if the years of scuffles weren't the result of our differences.. but rather our similarities. His ultra-conservative and borderline extreme personality clashed with my spur-of-the-moment and borderline irrational one. Yet in our single-mindedness to achieve perfection, we are one and the same.

We sat there this evening, at the closest we'll ever be to a middle ground.. and I wondered if I should finally let go of the grudges.. let bygones be bygones.. and let the water flow under the bridge..

If only the river's still waters didn't run so deep, that they threatened to flood the already teetering bridge.

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