Monday, June 26, 2006

Saudi Report: Personal Update

Well, it’s been a few quiet weeks at home. My flight out here was a pain.

I trudged up to the counter to check-in my baggage, but like every year, I’m asked to accompany my bags to Inspection because my middle and last name coincide with that of a wanted terrorist. The fact that I’m a 5’3” black haired female, not a 6’0 brown haired afghani man doesn’t seem to be of any interest to anyone. No matter, I figure, nothing new there.. on my way back to the states, I’m constantly held up for hours in a New York customs office.

My bags are cleared, I check them in and drag my carry-on to the security check at the Gates entrance. The line is endless, while I wait I watch the instructions on the display: Remove all metals, shoes, place bags on the belt, random personal security checks may be conducted... etcetera.

Finally I get to the front, place my stuff on the belt, go through the metal detector without beeping, and hand my boarding pass to the attendant checking them. He lays one glance on my Saudi Air boarding pass and asks me to step into some sort of four-sided contraption with a low swinging gate and red X’s on all sides … an absolute fucking travesty. He swings the gate shut after me, “I need a female secured”. I stand there like a giant in a mousetrap while passengers pass by and eye me furtively, ten minutes later a stocky official opens one of the flimsy sides and has me step out. “I’m going to pat you down, have you done this before?” … ya, actually three times in a row… random my ass. Another official is ransacking my purse.

Finally I’m let go and I end up sprinting to my gate only to find that they haven’t even lined up to board. I grab a seat in an empty row and dig out my book. Just when Anna and Vronsky lay eyes on each other, I’m interrupted by a nudge. I look up to find a lady inviting herself to the seat next to me. She asks if I’m going to Saudi and whether I speak arabic, I say yes to both, and she goes off into a tirade about the virtues of a Hijab, appropriate dress, and the dangers of traveling alone without a “Mahram”. I couldn’t believe it... Already!

The plane boards, I walk down the aisle looking for my seat, finally I spot it… a window seat, while the middle and aisle seats are occupied by two men already ogling. Heelll no… Well.. actually hell yes. The flight attendant/jackass ignored my request to be moved. So I'm standing there and the two men wont move... they actually expected me to jump over them! I gave them the evil eye and humphed, because by now all forms of etiquette were out the window. They scrambled out of their seats.

So I settle in my seat, put my book down, and dig through my bag for my stash of pure Melatonin that should knock me out for 12 hours straight.. with any luck, they'll have to wheel my grumpy groggy ass out of here. I pop a couple, grab my book, and sit back to wait for the drugs to kick in. But of course, the man next to me turns and asks:

-"What are you reading?"-
- "Tolstoy"-
-"True story?"-
- "No, Tolstoy.."
-"TOY STORY??"-

Yes.. that's what I'm reading.. Toy fucking story. But he's nice and I feel bad for having asked to change my seat so we chat. Five minutes later though, a5ath waj'h: "Do you go to clubs?” he asks conspiratorially, whilst grinning foolishly. "No, just churches.. ". He's aghast. Apparently Churches fall well below clubs in his chastity scale. But whatever, it does the trick and he leaves me alone. I stuff my pillow in the window and sleep like the miserable baby I was by then.

Ten hours later, we arrive in jeddah. By some form of miracle, I find the gate in the zoo and board the plane with my new boarding pass. Seat 44 A. I pass by 36, then 38, across the kitchen.. then 50. Where the hell's 44?? That's right.. they gave me a seat that doesn't exist! So I'm standing there in a huff next to some Mutt waiting for someone to solve the mystery of our non-existent seats when I hear someone laughing quietly. I look down, and there sits a guy from my original plane. "heh.. they gave you a non-existent seat".. If looks could kill.. But he's a curly-haired cutie with a Time magazine I'm dying to read, he motions for me to sit next to him and wait while they solve my dilemma. I figure, hell.. it's a few steps up from Mr.Stinky ... before I can pick up my bag, the Mutt makes a dash for the seat and plops on it.

Alas... where hath chivalry gone?

2 hours later, grumpy.. frumpy.. tired.. and drugged, I'm in Riyadh. The sight of my grinning mother and squealing sister, who usually never come out to the airport, makes it worthwhile.

| 17 CoMmEnTs| -- Posted by [[ On My Own ]]--|Permanent Link|

17 Comments:

lo0o0l the flight from hell ;p

maskeena, i were u i would have just popped anytime! and actually would have gone mad..

By  Baroque, at 26 June, 2006 11:20  

didn't you know, they changed the meaning of random in the dictionary, it now means arab looking individuals travelling to and from the states.. therefore the "random" checks they did are kosher.. 7amdillah 3la your salamah :-)

By  frogman, at 26 June, 2006 16:43  

Froggie got the random thing right- as for the Ay-rabs on the air-o-plane. Well, they are as unavoidable as crap food and mean hostesses. Atleast it was direct from NY- much better than doing it twice I suppose.

By  confused arab chick, at 26 June, 2006 22:20  

What can I say.. Welcome to Saudi Arabia, lol
the imaginary seat, that's so low!!!

By  Nouph, at 27 June, 2006 12:57  

Yes sweetie, you stick to churches ;) Let's go do some repenting next Sunday. Bass 9ara7a.. zain swaity feeh!

By  Sedna, at 27 June, 2006 13:29  

I like talking to people while travelling - as long as they dont talk to me while im watching a movie. I never start convos, but I dont mind having em. Never got a cute girl though, only old people. They are interesting though.

By  illogicist, at 27 June, 2006 17:09  

It was worth it,man!! This horrible flight brought u to us << sounds cheezy :s
Anyway, glad ur here & safe ;)

By  $uper MO, at 27 June, 2006 21:57  

Abdulla:
Heh.. Amen! I mean I can understand the small talk at the beginning, but seriously.. once I'm starting to go to sleep or just woke up.. lets not talk anymore.


Baroque:
Exaactly! By the time I got to Riyadh I was ready to cry.. I forgot to mention that my luggage was lost.. nightmare!


Frogman:
Allah yisalmak.
hah.. dude it's like Guantanamo Bay... why not just call it 'il mashab' or 'istira7a'? God knows they're all khaleejees in there.


CAC:
Ay-rabs.. Hah! Love it.
I'd rather get a direct flight from London to Riyadh because Jeddah is craaazy. No one tells you what your gate is and where to go.. it literally looks like a cattle auction.


Arabiana Banana:
That tops any of mine. My first time, I got coffee spilled on me by the Mutt sitting next to me.. he wouldn't even look at me or apologize.. another time some teenager kept touching my knee while pretending to sleep.. ugh!


Fo0f:
Heh.. Next time I'll hold up a sign "Has anyone seen my seat? it seems to have wandered off"


Sedna:
Ya, you'd think I told him I was a devil worshipper. So much for a joke eh?


Illogicist:
I don't mind small talk either, people you meet while travelling are always interesting.. as long as it doesn't get too personal.


$uper Mo:
Aww, bloggy nawwar.
Very true ;), thanks! .. but it's the last time I take Saudi Air.

By  Trevelyana, at 28 June, 2006 07:03  

Well, it's been years since our family took Saudi Air (except for Makkah/Jeddah)... My dad HATES it (No wonder why!!!)

By  $uper MO, at 28 June, 2006 10:35  

My condolences about your flight.
But see, you are alive... posting.
So, everything is ok :)

Sorry, Trevelyana (nice name:P), just wanted to ask about Tolstoy.
Do you like his books?
Did you read any other Russian writers?

Usual questions of an ordinary philologist:)

Thank you.

By  Sever, at 28 June, 2006 16:19  

super Mo:
My parents are afraid of having me travelling alone on other airlines.. so I was doomed to suffer.. 7amdilla, no more :)


Sever:
Tolstoy is an oddity.. given his lifestyle though, that's no surprise. In Anna Karenina, some parts are absolutely riveting, then there're whole parts, like part 3, that are really difficult to muddle through don't you think?

All in all, he's growing on me.. I'm tackling War and Peace next.
He's my first Russian writer .. I think.. but definitely not the last.


I'm no heroine:
Allah yisalmik, and thank you very much :), I just discovered your blog and I love it!

By  Trevelyana, at 29 June, 2006 04:26  

Fly in on British Airways. I mean it! There are far fewer mutts ... and the conversations are great. I will never forget the time I sat next to an ever-so-proper British lady who worked as a private tutor to for the grandchildren of one of the Sudeiri 7. The stories -- maaan!

By  Robin, at 29 June, 2006 11:35  

Geshtinanna:
British Airways, to my knowledge, quit flights from the U.S to Riyadh some time after the "incidents". Do tell about the stories.. heh.


ionfluxh:
You must be one of the truly "random" few.

By  Trevelyana, at 01 July, 2006 02:18  

welcome to Saudi Arabia :)
the flight was.. i'm glad i wasn't you! sorry!
inshallah the flight back won't be as bad ;)
but i'm sure it felt worth it as u said
i hope you're enjoying your time here

By  Bassem, at 02 July, 2006 15:57  

LOL @ churches! I just loved that comeback =) Hamdilla 3assalamah...

By  SunShine, at 03 July, 2006 05:03  

Bassem, I'm having a great time :) except for the heat!

Sunshine, allh yisalmik! join me at church ay ;)

adaydreamer, allah yisalmik and my vacation shall be getting better inshalla :)

By  Trevelyana, at 03 July, 2006 17:22  

:| Had no idea you were back online!!! :D :D :D

By  Anonymous, at 06 July, 2006 20:50  

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