Thursday, September 21, 2006

Why I, sometimes, Hate Being an Arab Woman...

I hefted my heavy bag onto my shoulder, dug into my pockets for my boarding pass, handed to the attendant, and walked down to my seat. Oedipus had gotten off in New York. I plopped down on his deserted window seat, placed my bag on the aisle seat, reclined back, and closed my eyes.

Work ran through my mind, a sliver of homesickness throbbed.. I took a deep breath, willing it to go away, promising to deal with it some other time. I turned to grab my music player from my bag, a middle aged man with a shaved head and a checkered shirt stood on the aisle next to my seat.
"Where's the guy that was with you" he asked. "He wasn't with me, he got off back there".
The man, who’s name I hadn't caught, raised his eyebrows. He subtly motioned for me to move my bag. The consequence of which, even then, wasn't too hard to foresee. I sighed, and obliged.

He made generic conversation for the next 15 minutes--"where are you going.. coming from, what are you doing, with whom... etc". I replied as briefly as common courtesy allowed... I was tired. He started telling me about himself, he is a pilot with multiple masters degrees in everything from philosophy, to psychology, and economics (or so he says, who knows with those you meet whilst traveling these days). He married an American in college, moved her to Saudi, and had 6 kids. Early on, he asked her to stay home to raise the kids while he worked.

"Really?" I asked, "Why is that?"
"Well I make more money, someone has to stay with the kids"
"So, if she was making more you'd have stayed home?"
"No, she couldn't be making more.. the best her degree could've taken her is to a secretary job"
I frowned at this coarse comment about his wife of 15+ years.
"I said -if-"
"No. She stays at home, she likes it... You know, I have a driver, a guard, maids, gardeners.. she loves it she's living like a princess, it's why she never wants to go back"
I poked at his ridiculous argument ..
I can't believe how worked up I got over that conversation. I decided arguing with him was useless... I'm not a 1940s feminist, and I certainly am not under the naive delusion that it's my duty to set every chauvinist, misogynist, male Saudi straight.

I turned to watch the endless cloudy forms out the window, hopefully giving the signal for the end of our conversation. Only he started asking me about where and what I studied, what my GPA is (I kid you not), why I'm not living with my parents...

After a few minutes he comments, "You know, after talking to you for an hour.. I see that you are confident, you are intelligent, but you know.. also a little.. what can I say.. aggressive!"
I wondered at his audacity, but decided to humor him. "Really? why is that?"
"Well.. you know not everything has to be taken by a fight, you seem like you're always .. on the offence.. why live alone here to study? I'd never let my daughter do that.. Why not study at home?.. this aggressiveness, this lifestyle.. you'll intimidate the common Arab man.. how and when are you going to get married... you're going to be in the middle of your career and do you actually plan on spending more time beyond Medical school working here?.. it's not what a female like you should do."

At that moment, all I could do was marvel at his lack of creativity. How typical. An insult to my very person, to the purported intelligence he raved of… furthermore, to me as a Woman, all wrapped up in the supposedly ameliorating compliment obviously intended for a simpleton.

I wanted to ask him if it had ever occurred to him that I may be put on this earth for something besides marriage and breeding? or that I may actually be damned good at what I do, most probably better than he'll ever be at what he does, because unlike him, I refuse to live in the absurd social box he and his cronies made? hell, has it ever occurred to him that I would always have to fight because people like him will always try to cage me?

But, "Heh, you think so?.. " was all I said. He didn't deserve more.

As the captain landed, he turned back to me again. "You know, you're a very private person, you don't want to say anything and I've been able to talk to you this whole trip, I've worked as a counselor before and I think that's why although not everyone can get people like you to talk, I could."
Again, I blinked at how far off the mark he was. I pitied this supposedly educated, upper-class, and decent man for being a prisoner of his own narrow-mindedness, and for his seemingly constant need to compensate for God knows what. He talked endlessly about his degrees, his laissez faire treatment of his kids and wife, his college years in the states, his money, his '5adam o 7asham'...


The plane landed, he got up, extended his hand, and I shook it.


A few days later I was laying in bed and thought about that encounter. For a few minutes, I felt bad. I tried to imagine how I could be the kind of Arab woman a man like that (persumable the typical Arab man) would approve of. I thought of all the things that were 'different' about me, and how as hard as I thought them through I couldn't possibly think to change them. Then I realized what I was doing. There I was, questioning my very identity.. because of someone like him.
I wonder, even after fashioning my own little boundless world, have I really.. escaped?
Clearly not.

| 16 CoMmEnTs| -- Posted by [[ On My Own ]]--|Permanent Link|

16 Comments:

Trev.. sadly enough you will never escape.. you will always be looked at as a potential wife by the likes of him untill you actually get married, and after that you will be looked at as a mother (the mother part is not bad i suppose).. but its sad how bad our society is at believing that there is an actual world beyond the stupid box they have set to be the paramaters of theirs..

but don't forget, just like you're parents sent u to study, there are hundreds of others who are from the same group of thinking.. who come from families where their mother's make more than their fathers..

very nice post T.. and don't let it get to you.. he's below you.. he doesn't deserve you're time..

By  frogman, at 21 September, 2006 02:08  

Out of the millions of travellers you get to meet the two most abnoxious of them all. That Oedipus dude and Mr. Multi Degrees.

That's special no?? Kidddding.

But you know what they say, third time's always the charm. ;D

By  N.A., at 21 September, 2006 02:13  

why didn't u argue back? why did u let him go away with this? I don't think he's worth listening A9LAN.

By  pink_ballerina, at 21 September, 2006 05:30  

Hey, that is EXACTLY why Saudi and other Arab women are marrying NON-ARABS!

My mother in law told my wife years before we met that she should find an American to marry. Shocked my wife asked my mother in law why.

My mother in law, Mekkahweea who doesnt speak a word of English told her that because of the way she was she would never work, never be happy with an Arab.

My wife is agressive, when she needs to be, is independent, educated, and wants her own career. She has lived in the West since age 5, with the exception of a few years back in Jeddah. At the time my wife thought that my mother in law was majnoona. She had never thought about marrying an American.

Then we met a few years later and everything fell into place. On my blog I talk a lot about Arab women marrying Western guys. I actually get 1-2 e-mails a week from Saudi women looking for advice on how to handle the government and family issues related to marrying a Westerner.

It is becoming more and more common, even for Saudi women. When we got married one Yemeni lady, a long standing friend of the family announced "we need more men like Malik." I think this is a common thought now.

We both get bad reactions sometimes from Arabs, mostly the men. They cannot understand what would drive an Arab woman to marry a Westerner, even though many of them have married Western women.

I know many Arab women who would love to marry a Western guy, only they cannot find a Muslim guy, or their family would be completely against it no matter what.

They need to sit and take a long hard look at themselves. And it doesnt matter if it is a Najdi guy born and raised in Riyadh or an Egyptian guy born and raised in New York. It is sad to say that there seems to be little difference between Arab males raised in the USA and those raised in the Middle East.

I, personally, have always liked Arab women exactly because they are strong, they have their own minds and wills. Those who say Arab women are meek and weak havent known any.

I guess it is up to us to raise our children in a better fashion, and a more religious fashion. To me, as a Muslim, my understanding of my religion tells me that my wife, daughters and all women are my equals. They are there to treat with the upmost respect. They are not objects for our use.

Anyway, I hope that we raise Sinan and Sayf, our two boys, in such a fashion. Change has to start somewhere.

To the Arab guys out there, if you dont want more and more of your women marrying us Westerners the time to change is now.

Anyway, now that I am off my soapbox I want to wish you and every one else Ramadan Mubarak.

By  أبو سنان, at 21 September, 2006 07:52  

Your writing is captivating. Every time.

I can really relate (even though I'm not even arab). Alot of people in our, er..."community" have that exact same kind of "narrow-mindedness".
And it always has me wondering "But Why?" and "How?".

"Getting married, having kids, and serving your husband is the way to go! Wooohoo!"

It is at times when people say things like that; I actually hate being female.

Stay Strong ;)

By  Taqo, at 21 September, 2006 08:48  

You have no idea how much is running through my head. I want to tell you're wrong, you're right. It's sad, it's true.

I want to tell you should have argued, that you're right not to have.

The arguements I've had. With the bawab and with my fathers friends. The times I have smiled, nodded and walked away.

Why would they let go of their dillusions? Works out pretty damn well for the bastards, doesn't it?

Just live it. Life will fall into place.

By  confused arab chick, at 21 September, 2006 09:44  

far too angry to say anything but i will say this

WHAT A FUCKED UP IDIOT

Trev i applaud u for not hitting the man.

By  NO MORE, at 21 September, 2006 20:24  

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Bleh.


Yes, I'm in a loss of words due to being angered by such people. Grr

By  Anonymous, at 22 September, 2006 11:31  

Frogman:
You're absolutely right. That is exactly why I feel it is completely futile to even argue ... to many, the woman to wife to mother role is a given. If escapism isn't the solution.. what is, for someone like me?

Froggy, I read your comment right after I posted that and it made me feel a whole lot better. Thank you :)


N.A:
The funy thing is that this is the second time I meet someone like Mr. Multi degree.. I think I even blogged the first one..
Everyone's out to marry me off, it's scary dude..lol.


Pink Mind:
Because it's pointless... I would've never convinced him otherwise, and even if I did, there're millions more like him ..


Abu Sinan:
I don't think the solution is to marry a westerner. As long as I have lived out here, and as different as some of my views may be, I still think I can never relate to a westerner on the same level I'd relate to a fellow arab. That's just my view. Now if a certain woman wants to marry a particular non-arab, I would like to think it's because of who he is rather than who he isn't.

Ramadan Kareem mate.


Taqo:
Quit inflating my ego dear :) and thank you, I will.


CAC:
Kudos! I couldn't have expressed it any better..


Meesh:
Maybe. But we can pretend we have.. at least for a little time.


Sweet Anger:
I was cursing him out in my head the whole time. Dispensed all that negative energy..
This is random, but my leg started to hurt and I hit my knee to make it stop, he asked what happened to it and I told him that I had gotten hit in a soccer game in high school.. and he goes "oh my daughter plays soccer too.." when 5 minutes earlier he had said his daughter hates sports and he thinks sports are for men.


Mocha:
Bleh. Don't bother. I'm not mad.

By  Trevelyana, at 22 September, 2006 22:41  

glad to be of service me lady *takes a bow*

By  frogman, at 24 September, 2006 02:02  

why aim for escaping when just improving your situation is possible.. why not be a wife? but only to someone whom you choose yourself. why not be a mother? when you and your spouse decide its a best time. you don't have to escape of what society wants, nor do you have to defy them.. just find ways around these silly requirements just for your ease of mind and not their approval.

i hope i'm making sense..

By  frogman, at 24 September, 2006 02:05  

Well, not every arab man wants a docile baby-factory. Some of us like our women with a bit of bite.

By  illogicist, at 24 September, 2006 15:12  

Kul 3am wa antum bi alf khair!

By  أبو سنان, at 25 September, 2006 08:25  

bi always get the same "they wont approve of u" speech..i hate it..i dont WANT them to approve of me..they can got to hell and kiss my beautiful ass..besides i dont wanna spend my life being someone im not just to attract some male creature who 8 out of 10 says he'll basically turn out to be full of crap anyway (i said 8 ppl..im not generalizing..but lets be realistic) and besides who says we approve of the typical saudi guy aslan..why shouldnt they work on getting OUR approval for a change? i dont WANT the 8 out of ten guy i want one of the other 2 left who is openminded and unique enough to love and appreciate me for me, as "wierd" and as different as i am and actually see that as a plus, a uniqueness..only that guy is special enough to have me..and when i say "me" i actually mean "us"..all of us hot chix out there..(yes, a femenist and proud to be one..bite me)
ma 3alaiki minahom...yes u CAN escape..somehow..not by isolation and detachment, by being the unique person u are trev..just ignore and dont let anyone tresspass into ur world..and when i mean world i mean up there in ur head..ur mind.ur perceptions.ur ambitions.ur goals.ur zest for life.all that shit..
>>>> ka2ani at7amast shwaya???? lol :P
beautiful post!

By  izzy™, at 25 September, 2006 08:33  

i*

By  izzy™, at 25 September, 2006 08:33  

I've experienced very similar instances in my life as an Arab woman and it frustrates me to the point of crying that I can't get through their thick skulls that I'm happy with the choices I've made, regrets and all. What really gets me is the smug, patronizing attitude they adopt when they talk to me with a tone not unsimilar to one best reserved for a three year old. I look forward to reading more of your post now that I've found your blog.

By  TeacherLady, at 11 October, 2006 10:58  

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